This evening I find myself reflecting on the behaviors that shorten or lengthen a human life. The variables are many. The choices are endless. And yet, when you strip it all down, the pattern is surprisingly clear.
Light behaviors lengthen life. Dark behaviors shorten it.
This is not merely my opinion. Behavioral research has confirmed it repeatedly. And yet, with that clarity available to anyone willing to look, so many people continue to live within a cloud of darkness — knowingly or not. I am not a psychologist or behavioral expert. But I have lived 85 years, read widely, and observed carefully. And I have come to believe that consistently choosing dark behaviors is, in the most literal sense, a slow surrender of life. A long-term dimming of one’s light. Perhaps even more telling, dark behaviors speak to something deeper still — a person’s unresolved internal struggle, and at times, a basic dissatisfaction with being alive.
Where This Understanding Comes From
This is not merely my opinion. Behavioral research has confirmed it repeatedly. And yet, with that clarity available to anyone willing to look, so many people continue to live within a cloud of darkness — knowingly or not. I am not a psychologist or behavioral expert. But I have lived 85 years, read widely, and observed carefully. And I have come to believe that consistently choosing dark behaviors is, in the most literal sense, a slow surrender of life. A long-term dimming of one’s light.
Perhaps even more telling, dark behaviors speak to something deeper still — a person’s unresolved internal struggle, and at times, a basic dissatisfaction with being alive. Where This Understanding Comes From For thirty-one years, I have served the ManKind Project (MKP) — most recently as Ritual Elder Emeritus, Elder Leader, and Past National Elder Chairman. MKP’s mission is “To create a world where men act on their individual and shared responsibility for the humanity of the future, by initiating and supporting men on a path of emotional maturity, spiritual awareness, and deepening community. Its core values are Accountability, Authenticity, Community, Inclusivity, Integrity, and Service.”
As a lead elder, I have worked with hundreds of men as they confronted and began to dismantle dark behaviors — the mental wounds — holding them hostage from a happy and abundant life. I have also drawn extensively on behavioral research from universities and accredited national organizations. It is from both of those vantage points — the lived and the studied — that I write.
The Dark Behaviors
Most dark behaviors share a common thread: they generate internal stress. And over time, chronic stress quietly dismantles the body, wounds the mind, and dims the spirit.
In no particular order: carrying unresolved anger. Non-forgiveness — of others or of oneself. Resentment nursed rather than released. Unresolved father or mother wounds that continue to distort current reality. Guilt held long past its usefulness. Arrogance that closes the heart. Greed that is never satisfied. And the slow poison of habitual negativity — the well-worn habit of seeing what is wrong before what is right.
Those who cannot trust others are, more often than not, untrustworthy themselves. They project their own internal dishonesty outward, seeing in others what they carry within. It is a painful and self-confirming loop — and it wounds every relationship it touches.
And those driven by the pursuit of power are rarely seeking strength. More often, they are seeking validation for a deep-seated sense of inadequacy. Power becomes the substitute for the self-worth they have never found. It distorts their perception of reality and poisons those around them in the process.
You will likely recognize several of those without my help. Most of us do. The harder work is not identifying them — it is choosing differently.
Research from Stanford University’s Forgiveness Project, led by Dr. Fred Luskin, states it plainly: “People who forgive have better mental and physical health than those who hold grudges — including lower rates of depression, anxiety, and chronic illness.” That is not sentiment. That is science. And it confirms what wisdom traditions have taught for centuries: holding on to bitterness costs you far more than it ever costs the person you are bitter toward.
The Light Behaviors
The positive side of this equation is equally straightforward — and far more life giving. Practicing genuine gratitude. Choosing to see the good in others. Making a conscious daily decision to resist dark behaviors — both your own and those that others attempt to hand you. Staying true to who you are and what you value. These are not passive choices. They are active, daily disciplines. And the evidence is compelling.
Dr. Robert Emmons of UC Davis, one of the world’s leading researchers on gratitude, has found that: “Grateful people tend to take better care of themselves, engage in more protective health behaviors, and have stronger immune systems and lower blood pressure.”
Gratitude, it turns out, is not just good for the soul. It is good for the body. The two, as it happens, are far less separate than we tend to think.
The Physical Dimension
Behavior extends beyond the emotional and spiritual. What we put into our bodies matters enormously. A steady diet of ultra-processed or fast food takes a measurable toll over time. Farm-fresh meats and vegetables nourish differently. An active lifestyle serves us far better than a sedentary one. And maintaining a healthy weight reduces the burden on every system in the body. None of this is revolutionary. Most of us know it. The question, as always, is whether we act on what we know.
The Power of Connection
One of the most striking findings in modern longevity research involves something most of us take for granted: human connection. A landmark study by Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad of Brigham Young University concluded that: “Lacking social connection carries a risk comparable to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day — and is more dangerous than obesity.” Read that again. Isolation is as dangerous to your health as smoking. Which means that every relationship tended, every friendship maintained, every community invested in is not just good for the spirit — it is literally life-extending. We were never meant to journey alone. The research simply confirms what we already know in our bones.
Faith and Community
Religion often carries a burden of historical baggage — and not always unfairly. But most Christian churches today center their message where it belongs: on the Good News of Jesus Christ. And that message, lived out within a genuine community of faith, offers something that no diet or exercise regimen can fully provide — belonging, purpose, love, and the anchor of something larger than yourself. The wisdom of Scripture anticipated what behavioral science would eventually measure. Proverbs 17:22 states it with remarkable precision: “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”
Three thousand years later, researchers are still catching up with that verse. Study after study confirms that people of faith, connected to a faith community, live longer and report greater life satisfaction. That is not coincidence. That is the design.
Purpose — At Any Age
Finally, and perhaps most importantly: have something to live for. A 2019 study published in JAMA Network Open, examining more than 6,000 adults, found that: “Having a sense of purpose in life is associated with a significantly reduced risk of mortality and cardiovascular disease.” A sense of purpose — something meaningful to contribute, however large or small — is among the most powerful longevity factors known. It does not require a title or a salary. It may mean volunteering. Writing. Mentoring. Showing up for a neighbor. Hosting a monthly gathering. Creating something that outlasts you. Whatever it is for you — do it. And keep doing it. Because a life with purpose is a life that has every reason to continue.
A Final Thought
The choices that lengthen life are, at their core, the same choices that deepen it. Gratitude. Forgiveness. Connection. Faith. Purpose. Love. None of them are complicated. All of them require intention. And every single one of them is available to you today — at whatever age you are reading this — one deliberate brushstroke at a time. Light or dark. The choice, as always, is yours
